Are You Involved In A Relationships With A Filipina?

Any man who is involved in a relationship with a Filipina needs to understand the three principle influences on his Filipina. These three principle influences are the reasons why your Filipina does what she does and behaves in the way that you may find pleasing, unattractive or a matter of further discussion. Most of these principles are somewhat familiar to Western men or foreigners, but how they are interpreted may be foreign to most men outside of the Philippines.

The three most common relationships in the Philippines are familial kinships relationships, ritual kinship relationships and something called, “utang na loob.” Familial kinship relationships involve blood relatives. Ritual kinship relationships are numerous ceremonial relationships a Filipina has to her religion, her in-laws, her school, classmates (barkadas and kabigans), her co-workers, if she has been gainfully-employed for some time and professional associations.

The utang na loob relationship is generally what confuses most foreigners who are involved with a Filipina. Utang na loob translates literally as “debt to inside” “inner debt” or translating loosely, as “being grateful.” To understand utang na loob, you have to accept that Philippines society at its foundation is a society based on granting favors and accepting favors and this helps to keep interpersonal relationships grounded in the concept of reciprocity.

It is this reciprocity that holds Philippines society together at the interpersonal level and is expected by anyone and everyone who hopes to live within this society. Through the act of giving and receiving favors, one establishes utang na loob, or becoming in debt to someone. To whom a Filipina is in debt to depends on her status in society and the status of the person she is receiving from or granting to.

Utang na loob is but one of two types of debt that a Filipina incurs in Filipina society. The difference between the two involves the amount of emotions involved. The reciprocity of granting and receiving favors that exists in the Philippines to keep relationships favorable can be broken down to these two acts: contractual and utang na loob.

We are all familiar with contractual acts that involve a written or oral agreement between the receiver and the giver, such as a contract to build a house or provide a service. In a contractual act, each person involved knows their duties and carries it out appropriately and their is generally little or no emotion involved and when the contracted act is completed, all involved go on to something else.

With utang na loob, the giving and receiving of favors may be unmeasurable depending on who is giving a favor and who is receiving a favor. The most common utang na loob is the granting of a parent to their children, such as bringing that child into this world and a debt that the child could never repay. Every child is expected to take care of their parents in their parent’s old age.

Another common form of utang na loob is the sister or brother who provides for the education of her sister or brother and then their are the utang na loob of others, such as a lawyer who frees a wrongly arrested person for an alleged serious offense or the doctor who saves a person’s life. These acts of utang na loob can never be measured or paid back, so a person is forever in debt to the giver, whose status is greater than that of their own. So, in essence, being grateful is another aspect of Philippines society.

Being grateful and being aware of the gratitude that a Filipina has for her familial kinship relationships, ceremonial or ritual kinship relationships and utang na loob relationships, should help to clarify why your Filipina acts or behaves the way she does. Say for instance, you gave your Filipina a gift and she accepts it, thanks you and walks into another room and you’re left puzzled. It is considered rude in the Philippines to open a gift in front of the person who gave it to you. If, you open a gift in front of the person who gave it to you, they may deem you to be greedy or worse yet, that you will expose the gift they gave you to everyone else looking and that the gift may not be as opulent as the next person’s gift.

Foreigners involved with a Filipina will have to be especially careful when interacting with her family, for you may have obligations that you aren’t aware of if you don’t remember the act of utang na loob and how it influences everything around you while in the Philippines and even after you leave. If, you have a problem in the Philippines, just remember to consult with your Filipina first or a well-intended foreigner who have been living in the Philippines for a number of years. Also, think about reciprocity, receiving and granting favors, familial, ritual and utang na loob relationships and be grateful that you are able to travel to and stay in the warm, friendly and beautiful Philippines.

Filipina & The Secret Lives of Men

Filipina and the secret lives of men. What a man wants and what a Filipina wants is ruled by this secret. A secret the Filipina knows about privately, but is hesitant to admit publicly. Denying this secret as not existing, affects what a Filipina really wants and who she winds up with? Does she just settle or wait for her ideal man? This question has been asked of every Filipina, Filipino and foreigner that I've encountered since moving to the Philippines and from what I've been told and from my own personal experiences, this is a short summary of what I believe to be true.

If, the Pinay is serious about love she is more than often looking for a man to settle down with. By settling down, this means she is looking for someone that she can call her own. You know, a man who won't sleep around and a man who will defend her honor as a woman in public and at home.

Every Filipina that I ever dated spoke about their life being on loan from God and that they were seeking meaning to their lives and if they were not in a relationship with the one they loved, then their lives were filled with emptiness and with the exception of their belief in God, had little meaning. When I was in the Filipina dating phase of my life, I found that the majority of the Pinays that I had the pleasure to hang out with were slow to anger, but my unwillingness to commit, was a deal breaker. I didn't want to chose anyone to marry while in the rebound phase of having just gone through a messy divorce. I felt it wouldn't be fair to the Filipina and it wouldn't be fair to me. Your emotions are too eager to be with someone, but for all the wrong reasons.

Some Pinays have had the unfortunate experiences of having had a boyfriend or two and failed in both relationships and when I asked why, the reason is often that the former boyfriend had another Filipina on the side. Most Filipina women give their all when they are in love and are sometimes very idealistic about love and romance, many times they deny the warning signs and rumors about their other half, until confronted with an "eyewitness account" of wrong doing and betrayal.

For the most part, a Filipina woman will forgive her wayward boyfriend and hope that whatever triggered her anger gets settled right away and she and her love can move forward. This is an act of kindness and the influence of her upbringing to forgive those who are human and commit acts that they may not approve of; a willingness to resolve any conflict soon, rather than later helps her to accept her boyfriend's shortcoming in hopes that he doesn't do whatever it was again.

Every Filipina I had the luxury of their company told me that they wanted to meet a man who was loving, caring and understanding, but oftentimes met someone who was just an option and not really serious about them or distracted by the attention of another Pinay. I will be the first to admit that their is no shortage of Filipino women looking for someone to call their own and the problem as is as I understand it and have been told by many Filipinas is that the overwhelming number of available Pinays make it too difficult for most men to restrain or refrain from committing to one woman. Now, the secret is out. Lot's of extremely attractive Pinays and beautiful Filipinas to choose among and there is no rush to do so!

This presents a serious dilemma for the average Filipina, because no matter how genuine her intentions may be, this is a fact that is often overlooked or frequently denied by most women in the Philippines. It's not that there is a shortage of eligible fellows to choose from, I've been told that it's just that the men most Filipinas encounter, understand this secret that there are many beautiful Pinays in their environment and there is no expediency to choose one. The majority of men that I have had conversations with and lived among, as what I have come to understand, simply admit that there are lots of beautiful Filipinas and that as a man, you should take your time and find a "good Filipina wife" when you're ready to settle down.

This short observation in which I have observed from my time living in Luzon, Visayans and Mindanao and living with a Filipino family and speaking frankly with numerous Pinoy and Pinay friends over the last three decades. Your experiences may be similar or totally opposite that of my own and I accept and understand that, so I hope that there were some insights about Filipina relationships, if not, why not share some of your own.

"To grow in understanding starts with a seed of patience and a fertile mind willing to accept change." Excerpt from the Book of Curthom

How To Overcome Culture Shock With Your Filipina

There is no way to avoid culture shock, but you can make the transition easier for your mate by understanding what culture shock is. First and foremost, culture shock is misunderstanding the environment that you find yourself in. You misunderstand the environment because it is not familiar to you and this unfamiliarity leads you to be at ease at best and anxious and disoriented, at its worse. Here’s is how to lessen the degree of culture shock that you or your mate is likely to experience.

Culture Shock is a lack of knowledge about a place that seems alien to you and to overcome feeling like an alien, you must be willing to learn as much as you can about the place you’re going or find yourself in. You commit to trying to understand the place you find yourself and the anxiety will pass with time, but it really helps if you have someone who is native to the location to help you with the transition.

Your friends, girlfriend, finance or wife can be a tremendous asset when it comes to helping you to understand the environment that seems to different to you. You will find that people are more than willing to assist you, when they see that you are genuinely trying to adjust and adapt to their culture. Don’t be afraid to discover a new language, customs and foods.

If, you have yet to arrive in the Philippines, reading books about the Philippines is a good start and if you can locate a language course in Tagalog in your home country, you’re off to a good start. Locating literature about the Philippines is generally not a problem, but oftentimes, I hear others stating that they have difficulty locating a language course in the local Philippines language.

One of the best publications out there that I recommend to everyone who is going to the Philippines is authored by Alfredo and Grace Roces called, “Culture Shock! Philippines: A Survival Guide To Customs and Etiquette.” This paperback book will help you to understand some of the things that may irritate you, but are deeply rooted in the culture. A source for learning Tagalog, the principle language of the Northern Philippines is Rosetta Stone. Rosetta Stone approach to language learning is highly-effective if you put the time in. Rosetta Stone courses are a bit pricey, so shop around for the best deal.

There is considerable “murmuring,” which is talk about the foreigner, when you are in the Philippines. The “murmuring” is not meant to hurt your feelings or anything like that, but you have to understand that many people in the Philippines are a curious bunch and some like to comment on the things they see. It could be talk in a language that you do or do not understand and often followed with subdued or boisterous laughing. Don’t take it personal. After some time in the Philippines, you will find yourself engaged in such “murmuring.”

There is another type of “murmuring” that you will come to know if you are serious about a Filipina and that is “tampo.” When you hurt your love one’s feelings, she will all likelihood stop talking to you for hours, days or weeks, depending how bad you hurt her feelings. She may too just get up and take off to her friends (barkadas) or relative’s house if they live close by.

Remember how confusing things get when you’re together or away from each other, communication is just one aspect of understanding each other. You two will need to sit down and discuss the things that each of you are misunderstanding, so that there will be less “tampo” on her part and less frustration on your part.

She is going to need the emotional support that she had back home in the Philippines and for those fellows who are living in the Philippines, life is got to be good. There is a good chance that when your fiancé or wife was in the Philippines, she was constantly in the realm of many family members and she felt safe. Well, when she comes to your home country, she is going to miss those family members and depression and home sickness could set in, so fellows, give her the emotional support that she expects from you

Understand that the although many people in the Philippines speak English and English is widely-used in the government and schools, Philippine English and the English that you speak, although pronounced almost the same, may have a wide and varying meaning than what you think. So, learn to adapt to your fiancé’s or spouse’s English and when you’re not sure of why she suddenly became silent, just ask her politely. The informal English, or slang that we speak when we are comfortable around others, can easily be misinterpreted and feelings hurt in the process.

You want to avoid any type of public confrontations of any sort. If, you and your lady are having a disagreement about something, it’s wise to find a private place to discuss it. You don’t want to raise your voice anywhere in Asia, as this is a sign of not being “composed,” or in “harmony” with the group. Asia, by and large is a “group-oriented” society and the Philippines is no less “group-oriented.” So, don’t be surprised if you invite the love of your life somewhere while you’re there and she shows up with an escort or a relative or two or three.

You’ll do well in the Philippines if you come to learn of the notion of “amor-propio.” Amor-propio is the sense of pride that every person of Philippines is taught to respect in themselves and others who are family. This sense of pride extends to the person in a way that protects the honor of the individual and choices are made regarding amor-propio, oftentimes based on whether the person’s actions will bring shame to themselves and dishonor their family and especially, the family name. Never underestimate the influence and power of amor-propio. Amor-propio is a bit like the expression “saving face,” but on steroids!

There is another aspect of Philippines Culture that is sometimes overlooked and that is the concept of “Delicadeza.” Delicadeza concerns itself with the moral certainty of knowing what is good and what is bad, what is right and what is wrong. It is the unspoken “moral compass” that exists in everyone and when you have violated this moral righteousness, you are immoral and should take it upon yourself to correct your wrongs. For example, in the town that I lived in Davao del Norte, there was a certain politician whom the locals murmured about constantly, stating that the politician was invisible, because no one had seen him in quite some time, yet he collects his salary and miraculously, he’s always getting re-elected. According to delicadeza, the proper thing for the politician to do is either show up more in his province, to let the people see that he is concerned about their issues, or resign from office and let someone who is more attune to the needs of the people run for his office

Then there are the indigenous tribes of the Philippines who live in the mountains, remote villages and costal areas who have a set of traditions that may or may not be aligned or the same as the general population of the Philippines and you will have to learn their ways if you wish to coexist. If, you approach everything that you do while you’re in the Philippines with an open mind and don’t be too hurried to rush to judgment, you’re going to have a great time staying, living and/ or visiting the Philippines.

Know that you will be excited, surprised and emotionally overwhelmed at the sheer beauty of the Philippines, starting with its people. Don’t spend all your time indoors in some fancy hotel or in some air conditioned taxi or tour bus. Get out and enjoy the natural wonderment, the food, the customs and the habits that will become as acceptable as they were once foreign to you. When you’re comfortable, meet her family, her friends and if at all possible, go to the village where she grew up or once lived, it will go a long ways to you understanding her life and expectations.

Remember that as foreign as the Philippines may seem when you first get there, if you take the time to understand that the culture may be different than what you’re accustom to, your open mind makes the adjustment easier for you and you accept the fact that you have to be immensely flexible, because you will find that things happen without much notice sometimes. If, you like spontaneous happenings, you will love the Philippines, because the feeling of never really knowing what’s going on, adds to the excitement of it all. Relax and enjoy yourself, and as far as your fiancé or wife coming to your home country, just picture her as the person adjusting to a new place and show your support by letting her know everyday that you understand.

The thing that I probably hear most from many men who visit the Philippines and return home after three weeks or so, is how much people stared at them. Well, I can tell you from living all over Asia, that people are naturally curious everywhere and staring although not particularly polite in most Western Societies, is common just about everywhere else on the Planet. You’ll get use to the staring and if, you are outside as much as you should be, you’ll find yourself staring too!