Saturday, August 15, 2009

Jealousy & Filipino Women

Jealousy is an illness that starts deep within the psyche of a person and takes root of their heart causing untold number of emotional outbreaks and actions that are both real and sometimes violent. At its root, a jealous person is insecure about something and your mission is to find out what that something is.

If, jealousy is not treated through counseling and in the worst of cases, medicinal intervention, jealousy, like cancer can spread beyond the brain and the heart, leading to actions and reactions that are neither safe to the individual going through the episodes, but dangerous for the offending person of the jealous-enraged mind.

Jealousy if left untreated can overcome all in its path and like cancer, have detrimental effects to everyone around the person affected. You can best help someone who is only superficially jealous, that is, they murmur or backtalk about their displeasure about something that you are doing or saying that triggers their behaving seemingly irrational to what should be just a conversation.

If, you know that by saying a particular thing or mentioning a specific subject will trigger an emotional response from your fiancé or spouse, avoid talking about that particular subject or topic. Try to talk to your fiancé or spouse, as to what is it that makes them so mad and try to discover the why; it makes them so emotional or jealous.

In extreme cases, a jealous fiancé or spouse may not say anything, but react by withdrawing from you, something referred to as Tampo in the Philippines. Tampo is not unique to the Filipina, which is the act of sulking or pouting when your fiancé or spouse feels that you have hurt their feelings.

Tampo may last for a few hours, a few weeks or even a month or so, but when it lasts longer than that, there is something else going on and you should sit down with your fiancé or spouse and talk about what is it that is upsetting her.

If, she reacts in a jealous manner, try to find the cause of her feeling the way she does. The basis for the majority of jealous leanings have to do with a sense of some need not being met or a belief that there is someone else in your life, who is threatening the relationship that you two share. Find out what it is and talk about it.

If, communicating and I mean sitting down in a neutral place, that is, a place that your fiancé or spouse is comfortable with and you are comfortable with, to discuss what’s going on in her thinking or your thinking.

Being jealous, affects men as well as women, so even though this article mentions fiancé or spouse, bear in mind that men are just as jealous as women. Many men are very good at masking their jealousy, so it may seem harder to interpret. A sign that a man is jealous of his woman is that, a man will ask questions about elements of time and place. What did you do today? Where did you go today? Why did you go there? When did you go there? How long did you stay there? Who did you meet there?

A man will ask questions in order to ensure himself that he is the focus of your life and if you present yourself as being the only person that matters in the relationship, then you are going to have a problem. If, the man feels that he is the only person in the relationship and does things without consulting you, then your relationship is going to have a problem.

Let me give you an example.

When I first met my wife she was everything to me, my Alpha and my Omega. She was the reason my heart beated and the reason why I drew breathe into my lungs. I centered all of my attention around her, until 16 years later, she had grown up and decided that she did not want to be married to me anymore. She didn’t want to be married at all. She wanted to continue her affair of 4 years with a married personal injury lawyer, whom she met when she wreaked our car, four years earlier.

Throughout those 16 years, I watched her grow up from being a scared young woman, who upon her first time going to a drive-thru Kentucky Fried Chicken in the Philippines and jumping out of the taxi to run up to the drive-thru speaker to put in our order, to a woman with feminist leanings, who told me matter-of-factly, one day, that she could run up to the wall, where the two corners meet and then run into the bathroom with her cell phone and call 911 and when the police arrived, tell them that I assaulted her.

I was in awe, with my jaw gaping open, wondering where did that ideal come from, when I heard it. I couldn’t believe that the woman, who was my world, could come up with such nonsense and actually believe it. The scary part for me is, if she did run into the wall on purpose and called 911 and the police came, I would go to jail no matter how much I tried to explain the truth!

I tell this story to state this and that is, a jealous person manifest their insecurity, their rage and their actions in ways that can not always be explained in some psychological journal or themed blog, such as this. There is no way for you to know exactly what a person is going to do or when are they going to do it. You can only hope that through communication that the two of you will come to some understanding that both of you can live with, if not, then the two of you will find a way, to live with the memories, be them good or bad.

If, you have a fiancé or spouse who is jealous that may be okay, because a healthy dose of jealousy gives you two something to talk about and when you make up, it is generally quite intimate. If, the jealousy seems to you a bit overboard and you have discussed what is triggering the belief, then perhaps, marriage counseling is something that your relationship can benefit from.

People will avoid counseling sometimes because they don’t want to admit that there is a problem. No matter how much one partner tries to get the other to agree on counseling, the other partner resists or seems to sabotage the relationship. Even if only one of the partners is willing and goes to counseling, the relationship may benefit enough that the other partner may be convinced to join in. After all, it is the relationship that will suffer, but it is the people involved whose memories carry with them the times when everything was so lovely. Isn’t lovely worth fighting for?

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